Survivor: Warcraft
by SorcerousOne
Summary: What happens when the characters of Warcraft III gather for a game of Survivor? Just about anything! Please R&R!
1. Arthas' Team

Survivor: Warcraft  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or places (except the TV studio) in this story. They are the property of Blizzard.  
  
Warning: If you have not finished Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne, the end will be spoiled for you in this chapter.  
  
"Are you almost finished with those notes?"  
"Just give me another minute. You go ahead and start the introduction without me."  
"Fine, fine," said the lich Kel'Thuzad as he drifted toward the door.  
Both Kel'Thuzad and Jaina Proudmoore were sitting (floating, in the lich's case) in a backstage room in the studio of AAN (Azeroth Arch-Mage Network). Kel'Thuzad and Jaina were the host and co-host (respectively) of the latest installment of the network's most popular series.  
"Signal me when you're finished and ready to come on-stage," said the lich as he exited the room. Once he was outside, Kel'Thuzad simply followed the cheering to the stage. The cheering increased as the undead wizard drifted out on-stage, but quickly died down as Kel'Thuzad signaled for silence.  
"Welcome, people of Azeroth (and all you viewers at home), to the fifth edition of Survivor!" shouted the lich to the crowd. "I'm your host, Kel'Thuzad, and I'm going to go over a few things before the show actually starts."  
Jaina, having finished what she was working on, walked out on stage and spoke to the crowd. "Hello everyone! I'm Kel'Thuzad's co-host Jaina!"  
"Now," said Kel'Thuzad, "the first order of business is to introduce the contestants." The lich waved his hand and a circular glowing portal slowly expanded into existence. "Our first contestant is."  
There was a flash of light and Arthas, holding his runeblade Frostmourne, was catapulted out of the portal. He quickly stood up and began looking around.  
"Hey, what's going on? Kel'Thuzad, what are you doing here? And Jaina?" said Arthas as he looked around at the gathered crowd. "If you're trying to get me to perform again, forget about it. My musical career is over."  
"Nothing of the sort, Arthas. You have been chosen to participate." started Kel'Thuzad, but Arthas quickly cut him off.  
"FOOLISH LICH! HOW DARE YOU ADRESS US THAT WAY!!! WE ARE THE LICH KING!!!!! BOW BEFORE US!!!!" shouted Arthas as his eyes suddenly glowed with a cold blue light.  
Jaina, as well as much of the crowd, jumped backward in fright, but a nearby priest quickly calmed them. "Don't worry, everything is under control. Arthas (LICH KING!!!!) can not hurt you." The priest whispered in Jaina's ear. "He merged with the Lich King, remember?" Jaina nodded.  
In an instant, Arthas had snapped back to himself and was looking around again.  
"What just happened?" he asked.  
"It is of no concern. Just wait over there," said Kel'Thuzad, gesturing to a corner of the stage. As Arthas walked over and sat down, the lich turned to Jaina. "Who is the next member of Arthas' team?"  
"Er." Jaina quickly consulted her paper. "Can introduce the next one?"  
"Sure, we'll alternate," said Kel'Thuzad.  
"Ok, the next member of Arthas' team is none other than Prince Kael of the Blood Elves!" As she said this, Kael stepped through the portal and was greeted with applause. "Thank you, lovely Jaina. Hello, lich. So, who's my team cap." Kael's speech ended abruptly when he saw Arthas sitting on the edge of the stage (now engaged in a schizophrenic conversation with the Lich King). "No, absolutely not. I'm not on a team with him."  
"I'm afraid you are," said Kel'Thuzad. "You'd better get used to it. Now go sit somewhere, we have quite a few more people to introduce." As Kael grumpily sat down near Arthas (who looked at him for a second before resuming his conversation with himself), Kel'Thuzad spoke up again.  
"The next member of Arthas' (THE LICH KING'S!!!!!) team is everyone's favorite Priestess of the Moon, Tyrande!"  
Tyrande stepped through the portal and looked at her team.  
"Ugh. Well, I suppose it could be worse. I mean, I could have Illidan on my team *shudder*. Oh, and Kel'Thuzad, my name is Tyrande Stormrage now. I'm married to Furion now," said Tyrande, showing the lich a wedding ring.  
"Very well, go sit with your team," said Kel'Thuzad.  
"Our next contestant is the naga leader Lady Vashj!" said Jaina, as Vashj slithered out of the portal to a chorus of boos.  
"Finally, someone worthwhile is on our team," said Kael as Vashj glared at the crowd. Hearing him, the naga sea witch turned to look at her team.  
"I see what you mean, Kael," she said. "The producers are obviously not trying to make teams that can get along with themselves."  
"No, but that's what people want to see," said Kel'Thuzad. "Now go sit down." Vashj slithered over and began quietly conversing with Kael while Kel'Thuzad began speaking again. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the fifth member of Arthas' team, the crypt lord Anub'Arak!"  
The giant crypt lord walked out of the portal and looked around. Upon seeing Arthas, he sank into a bow.  
"My king."  
When Arthas, or rather, the Lich King, noticed this he shouted at Kel'Thuzad. "YOU SEE, LICH? THE CRYPT LORD KNOWS WHO IS IN CHARGE! YOU WOULD DO WELL TO. Ugh, what just happened? Where did you come from Anub'Arak?" asked Arthas, as he regained control from the Lich King. Anub'Arak stomped over to Arthas and began speaking quietly. The two Undead edged away from Kael and Vashj, leaving Tyrande alone in the middle of their side of the stage.  
"And now," said Jaina to the crowd, "the last member of Arthas' team is none other than Warchief Thrall himself!"  
Thrall stumbled out of the portal, barely managing to keep himself from falling into the crowd.  
"What happened to you?" asked Jaina.  
"Well, there was a party at Cairne's last night." began Thrall, swaying unsteadily.  
"Fine, fine. Now, we have to take a commercial break, but when we get back, we'll introduce Maiev Shadowsong's team!" shouted Kel'Thuzad to the audience. "Join us when we get back to Survivor!"  
  
*Fade to Commercials*  
  
Author's Note: Wow, 2 ¼ pages in word for one team. Anyway, I hope you like this story. Please review!!! 


	2. Maiev's Team

Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Warcraft, any of its characters or places, or Survivor.  
  
*Survivor theme song plays as the studio fades back into view*  
  
The Warden Maiev Shadowsong stands on the opposite side of the stage from Arthas' team. Kel'Thuzad and Jaina walk out of the wings and address the crowd once again.  
"Welcome back to Survivor 5, ladies and gentlemen!" shouts the lich. "Before we introduce Maiev and her team, we have a few important announcements to make. First, I am pleased to announce that we can finally accommodate naga guests in our studio!"  
He gestures to several water-filled tanks in the back of the studio, where many naga swim around cheering for Vashj.  
"Second, I have some unfortunate news for Arthas' team. Due to a ruling from our judges, Anub'Arak is not allowed to participate. They say he will give an unfair advantage to Arthas' team during contests of strength. So, we have found a replacement," says Jaina as Anub'Arak is escorted to the portal by Kel'Thuzad, who is quietly apologizing to him. "Anub'Arak will be replaced by the dreadlord Varimathras!"  
Varimathras comes walking out of the portal. The crowd's reaction is immediate. Undead begin cheering while nearly every human in the crowd grabs something and throws it at the dreadlord. Fortunately for Varimathras, an invisible wall stops the objects from getting near the stage. Varimathras walks over to join Arthas' team and sits down.  
"Now that the announcements are over, I'd like to introduce the second team captain, Maiev Shadowsong, the warden!" says Kel'Thuzad to the crowd.  
Naga in the crowd boo and hiss at Maiev as she walks to center stage, and the Night Elves cheer her. Maiev bows to the crowd and looks around, searching for someone.  
"You're not going to find Illidan in the crowd, Maiev," says Jaina as she walks up behind Maiev.  
"What do you mean? He's got to be here! Nearly every living or undead being in Azeroth is here!" shouts Maiev, as she continues to scan the crowd for Illidan.  
Kel'Thuzad and Jaina look at each other for an instant and then Jaina turns back to Maiev.  
"I'm sure he'll turn up. Right now, just go sit over there," she says as she gestures to the side of the stage opposite Arthas' team. "Maiev's first teammate is the Warsong Clan's chieftain, Grom Hellscream!" she says to the crowd.  
As Grom steps through the portal, Thrall jumps up and runs over to him.  
"You. you're alive! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouts Thrall as he grabs Grom in a bear hug.  
"Of course I am. I signed a new contract with Blizzard. Now will you LET GO OF ME?" Grom says. Thrall hastily lets go and walks back over to his team. Grom then walks over and sits down on Maiev's side of the stage.  
"How touching," said Kel'Thuzad, "but I have a feeling our next guest will be as warmly received. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Illidan Stormrage, the next member of Maiev's team!"  
Illidan walks out through the portal to a mixture of cheers and boos from the crowd. Maiev turns around so quickly she is a blur to the crowd and launches herself through the air at Illidan, screaming "I have you now, Illidan!" Fortunately for Illidan, he was followed through the portal by a pair of Mountain Giants, who grab Maiev out of the air and carry her over to her team, where the put her down. She tries to reach Illidan again but one of the giants grabs her and restrains her. Illidan, meanwhile, turns to Kel'Thuzad and Jaina.  
"What are you fools trying to do, get me killed? I won't last five minutes on a team with her! She's trying to kill me and she's never going to stop!" he yells.  
"Actually, according to the contract she signed, she can't hurt you in any way or attempt to take you back to the prison until after the contest is over," says a very calm Kel'Thuzad. "Now, please go sit down with your team."  
Illidan walks over to his team, giving Maiev a wide berth, and sits down, putting Grom in between himself and the warden. He begins a whispered conversation with the blademaster, and the members of the crowd who are closest hear bits of the conversation, including "bodyguard" and "well- paid".  
"The fourth member of Maiev's team, and the first human in the contest, is Grand Marshal Garithos!" says Jaina.  
Garithos comes out of the portal to explosive cheering from the humans that is almost drowned out by the booing from everyone else in the crowd (and Kael and Vashj). He looks at Arthas' team with contempt, but does not seem to notice his own team.  
"So this is what I'll be playing against? This will be easy, they're just a bunch of mongrel dogs (Arthas' team glares at him). So, where are the fine human legions I'll be commanding during." starts Garithos, but he stops as he looks around at his team. "I, the great Marshal Garithos, have to be on a team with these. these inhuman animals? I refuse!"  
As Garithos' own team begins to glare at him, Jaina steps forward and begins to speak.  
"Garithos, I think I can convince you to join this team. You know how the prize for Survivor is 1 million gold pieces?" asks Jaina. Garithos nods and Jaina continues. "Well, I've managed to talk to a few people and we've made a deal. If you win this contest, you get Lordaeron back." Garithos looks shocked for a second, and then extremely happy.  
"All of it?" he asks.  
"Yes, Sylvanas has agreed to move to the continent of Azeroth if you win," replies Jaina.  
"What's the catch?" Garithos asks suspiciously.  
"Well, if you don't win and Sylvanas does, you become her personal slave." Jaina says.  
"What?! How could you even think about making such a deal? I remain by my refusal to enter this contest."  
"Actually, you have no choice," Jaina says slyly. "The contract you signed contained this little deal, and you agreed to it. Now go sit with your team.  
Garithos angrily storms over to his team and sits down. The blood elves in the front row of the crowd begin throwing food at him, but it is deflected by a magic shield in front of the stage. Kel'Thuzad addresses the crowd once again.  
"The fifth member of Maiev's team is Sylvanas Windrunner, Leader of the Forsaken!" says the lich.  
Sylvanas steps through the portal and looks her team over. Her gaze does not change until it reaches Garithos. When she sees him, her expression flickers to hatred for a second before an evil grin spreads across her face. She turns to Jaina and Kel'Thuzad.  
"Is the deal made?" she asks.  
"Yes, everything is in order. But remember, if neither of you wins territory does not change," says Kel'Thuzad.  
"I know that, but I don't intend to lose," Sylvanas says confidently as she walks over to her team.  
"And now, the last member of Maiev's team and the last person in the contest, Tyrande's husband Malfurion Stormrage!" says Jaina to the crowd as Furion steps out of the portal. He waves to Tyrande and then looks at his team.  
"Brother, I'm surprised to see you here. I had heard you'd taken over that wasteland Outland," Furion says upon seeing Illidan. "And Maiev, I thought you'd gone to hunt Illidan."  
"Blizzard made an offer I couldn't refuse," both Illidan and Maiev say at the exact same time. They look at each other with confused looks and then turn away.  
"Well, I can see this is going to be an interesting experience," says Furion as he joins his team.  
"That's all the time we have for today's show, but be sure to join us next time when we drop our teams off in their home for duration of the contest!" says Jaina to the crowd. "Thank you for joining us this time on Survivor!"  
  
*Survivor theme song plays* *fade to commercial* 


	3. Let the games begin!

Disclaimer: I do not own Warcraft, its characters, or Survivor.

Survivor theme song plays as the scene fades to a clearing in a forest

Kel'Thuzad is standing in the middle of the forest clearing in front of two large wooden crates. He is looking around impatiently.

Kel'Thuzad (KT): Welcome to another exciting episode of Survivor! I'm your host, Kel'Thuzad, and my assistant Jaina is on her way here with the contestants.

At this moment, several goblin zeppelins following Jaina, who is riding on a dragon hawk, appear in the distance. They fly over to the clearing and touch down. The contestants exit from the zeppelins and form up into their teams.

KT: All right, I'm now going to explain to you all what you are going to do. Behind me, as you can probably see, are two crates. These crates contain supplies that you can use in your stay here. By the way, don't think of trying to escape, as this is an island off the Kalimdor coast and you will not get far before you're spotted.

Some of the contestants (like Kael) curse under their breath or show other signs of disappointment.

KT: Anyway, these two crates contain basically the same supplies, but there are a few differences. Each contains a different map, some supplies that differ from the ones in the other crate, and a different set of tents. This one on my left contains three small two-person tents, while the other one contains a single large tent that can hold a whole team. When I say go, you will have five minutes to discuss with your team and decide on a crate to take. Ready? Go!

Both teams immediately begin talking quickly. Arthas' team, as usual, is arguing. Arthas and Varimathras want the large tent, while Kael and Vashj want the smaller tents. (Thrall and Tyrande are looking on, shaking their heads)

Kael: We need to take the smaller tents. I don't like the smell of the dead, and I'd prefer not to sleep in the same tent as a vampire.

Vashj: I agree.

Varimathras: What are you talking about? I can't stand the taste of elf blood anymore. I prefer humans.

Arthas: I do not smell!

Meanwhile, Maiev's team has come to an agreement and they follow the warden over to the crate on Kel'Thuzad's left. At the end of the five minutes, Arthas' team is still arguing and does not appear to have noticed that the three-tent crate is taken.

KT: Time's up! Arthas' team, you have no choice but to take this crate, which contains the large tent.

Kael and Vashj look like they're ready to kill Arthas, but Kel'Thuzad steps in before they can actually do anything.

KT: Now, both teams, you have exactly five minutes again to break open your crate, look at your map, take whatever you can carry, and get out of this clearing and on your way to your campsite. You may not take the crate with you. Got it? Good, now go!

Both teams savagely attack their crates. Grom and Arthas take charge and smash the tops off of the crates with their weapons.

Kael: I'll take the map, since I can't carry much.

Arthas mutters something about "stupid elves" and then grabs the six-person tent. The rest of the team squabbles over what to take, but in the end they grab as much as they can carry and vacate the clearing. Maiev's team, meanwhile, under the direction of Furion and Maiev, take the most important items. They can't carry as much, as they have three tents rather than one, so they take only what they need. Garithos gets stuck lugging around two of the tents.

Garithos: I will not be treated like a pack mule!

Grom: Quiet! I'm carrying more than you.

This was true. Grom was burdened with the third tent, as well as numerous other metal items such as cooking pots and a grindstone for weapons.

At the end of five minutes, Kel'Thuzad and Jaina are the only two left in the clearing, along with a few goblins making repairs to the blimps.

KT: Let's see how our teams are doing, courtesy of our special Shadecams.

Arthas' team is shown. Arthas, with the tent over his shoulder, is second in line behind Varimathras. Varimathras is using his claws to cut a path through the foliage. The team, miraculously, is not arguing. This is probably due to the sweltering heat, which is affecting everyone except for Varimathras and making them sweat under their heavy loads. Varimathras, who is used to heat, is calmly slicing his way through the forest, pretending that the shrubbery is really a bunch of humans.

Maiev's team, on the other hand, is making very quick progress through the forest. This is due to Furion, who has managed to persuade the jungle to make a path to their campsite. Illidan, who has convinced Grom to keep Maiev away from him, is chatting with his brother like there had never been any problems between them. Maiev is still staring at Illidan. Garithos and Sylvanas bring up the rear, completely ignoring each other's presence. The scene switches back to Kel'Thuzad and Jaina. Jaina has summoned a water elemental which is dousing her with water to keep her cool.

KT: We'll be right back after this commercial break!

fade to Goblin Potion Emporium commercial


	4. The tribes begin to bicker

Author's note: I'm very sorry about the delay, but I've been busy with school and acting.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Survivor, Warcraft, or any of the characters and places in Warcraft.  
  
*Survivor theme song plays as the scene comes up on Kel'Thuzad and Jaina in the forest clearing* Kel'Thuzad (KT): Welcome back to Survivor! When we last left our teams, they were trudging through the forest toward their respective campsites. They should have reached the areas by now, so let's take a look.  
  
*Scene switches to a beach which has a red flag posted in it*  
Varimathras finishes ripping a path through the jungle and the team stumbles out onto the beach. All of them (except Varimathras) are sweating from the heat.  
Varimathras: Finally, I thought we'd never get here. I was beginning to wonder if I'd have green nails for the rest of my life.  
Everyone else completely ignores Varimathras, and he shrugs and goes to sit under a tree. Vashj slithers into the water to cool off, and is quickly joined by Kael and Tyrande. Arthas looks over Frostmourne and walks off to the water's edge to begin cleaning it. Those near him hear him mutter something along the lines of "my precious". Thrall walks up to the flag and tears down the note that is posted on it. The note reads:  
"Congratulations on reaching your new home for the next 36 days. You have the rest of the day and most of tomorrow to get settled in. At 7:00 P.M. tomorrow you must be at the location marked on the map included with this note. By that time you must have chosen a team name for yourselves. And remember, your entire team is expected to show up for the challenge." A smaller version of the map they had been given was printed on the bottom of the note with an X marking the location of the first challenge.  
Thrall: Listen to this everyone. Thrall lets his sentence trail off as he observes the scene before him. Varimathras has fallen asleep under the tree, Tyrande is no where to be seen, and Arthas, Kael, and Vashj are fighting.  
Vashj: You cut my tail! I'll kill you, foul undead!  
Arthas (Lich King): You swam too close to us! It's your fault you got cut!  
Kael: How dare you hurt the only friend I've got on this team!  
Varimathras: *snore*  
Thrall charges over and pulls the fighters apart. He then shouts so loudly that Varimathras wakes up and Tyrande comes charging out of the trees to see what the problem is.  
Thrall: THAT'S ENOUGH! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU THREE ALWAYS FIGHTING! I don't care if you've been enemies in the past; we're going to work together here! Understand? The menacing gleam in Thrall's eyes prompts the three battlers to nod enthusiastically. Thrall then continues to speak.  
Thrall: Ok, here's what we're going to do. We're all going to get to work so we are too busy to fight. Arthas, you help me set up the tent. Tyrande, please go to the freshwater spring marked on our map and bring back some water. Vashj, go swim around and catch us some dinner. Kael, get a fire going so we can cook the fish. Varimathras, you can rest.  
Kael: Why does he get to rest?  
Thrall: Because he cut a path through the jungle. Now get going.  
Grumbling, except in Tyrande's and Varimathras' cases, the team moves off to start working.  
  
*scene changes to other side of the island, where Maiev's team is gathered around a blue flag reading the note*  
Furion: Ok, so we have a day to build our campsite. I think that right now we should decide who's sharing a tent with who and get the tents set up.  
Maiev immediately speaks up.  
Maiev: Illidan. I'm sharing a tent with Illidan. I'm not letting him out of my sight again.  
Illidan looks around pleadingly, and is met with glares from Garithos and Sylvanas and smirks from Furion and Grom.  
Furion: Grom, if our people are going to be sharing Kalimdor, we might want to find out more about each other. I don't think I could share a tent with Maiev without killing her for what she did, and I don't think either of us wants to get stuck with the racist human or the rotting corpse, so it works out perfectly.  
Grom: I think you're right, Furion. It does work out well.  
Sylvanas and Garithos take one look at each other and then turn back to the group and speak at the same time.  
Sylvanas: No! I refuse to be treated this way!  
Garithos: Absolutely not!  
Furion (grinning): I'm sorry, but you're the only two without a tent. Unfortunately for you, you'll be sharing. Now, let's all get our tents up.  
Everyone unpacks the tents and begins to set them up. Illidan works on the opposite side of the tent from Maiev, and Garithos and Sylvanas carry on a steady conversation made entirely of vitriolic curses directed at each other, but the tents are set up in good time.  
Furion: Well then, now that the tents are set up we need to get some food and water.  
Garithos: I'll get the water. It will keep me away from you part- humans if nothing else.  
Garithos walks off with the canteens.  
Furion: Now that we have someone getting water, all we need is food. Who's going to get that?  
Nobody moves.  
Furion: Sylvanas, go hunt for food.  
Sylvanas curses under her breath as she takes her bow and heads into the forest. Once she's gone, Furion addresses the group again.  
Furion: Since I don't trust her to bring food back, let's go fishing while she's gone.  
The rest of the team gets out the fishing rods they brought from the crates and begin to fish. Garithos soon returns with water and, with the fire that Illidan made earlier, begins to boil the water. Sylvanas eventually returns with a few very small, sick-looking rabbits. Fortunately, the rest of the tribe caught enough fish to make a decent meal.  
  
*Scene changes to show clearing in woods*  
Jaina: We'll be right back after this commercial break, that is, if Kel'Thuzad doesn't kill the commercial first.  
Behind Jaina, Kel'Thuzad can be seen angrily shouting at a goblin. There is a smoking pile of rubble with a sign sticking out that says "Okk's Potion Emporium".  
*fade to commercial* 


	5. Immunity Challenge 1!

Disclaimer: I do not own Survivor, Warcraft III, or any of the characters or locations from Warcraft III.  
  
commercials end to show Kel'Thuzad and Jaina in a large clearing in front of two large holes in the ground  
  
KT: Welcome back to Survivor! We're about to begin the first immunity challenge, so let's bring in our two teams!  
  
The two teams walk in holding their banners and stand next to the holes.  
  
KT: Now, have you chosen names for yourselves yet like the notes asked you to?  
  
The team members look blankly at one another.  
  
Kael: Err... Um... Well, you see... We've had a few arguments and we've been trying to get settled into our new home, so we don't have a name yet.  
  
Furion: We're in pretty much the same situation. Can we get back to you on the name thing?  
  
KT looks extremely irritated.  
  
KT: Fine. But I expect you to have a name for your team by the next challenge. If you don't, there will be consequences. Now, let me explain the challenge to you. These two holes lead into opposite sides of a huge underground maze we've created. Within the maze are five magic orbs. These orbs are keys to a giant door which leads out of the maze. There is a catch, though: the door needs three of the five orbs to open, so only one team can get out. Whichever team gets out wins immunity, which will be represented by this idol.  
  
KT looks around for the idol, but can't find it. He looks at Jaina, who doesn't have it either.  
  
KT: Ok, who has the idol?  
  
An acolyte comes running up to KT holding an object covered in a cloth.  
  
Acolyte: Here it is, master. I'm sorry. It wasn't quite finished until just a minute ago.  
  
KT: I see. What is your name, acolyte?  
  
Acolyte: Me, master? My name is Bob. Bob suddenly seems to realize who he's talking to You... You're Kel'Thuzad! I've always wanted to meet you! You're the reason I joined the Cult of the Damned! I wanted to be just like you and this is the greatest honor of my life! I can't believe I'm actually standing in front of the great, mighty, powerful...  
  
Bob continues rambling on and on to KT, who doesn't seem to be paying attention. He calls Jaina over and whispers something to her. She hands him a piece of paper and a pencil. KT writes something on the note and turns back to Bob.  
  
KT: Listen, Bob, how would you like to do a favor for me?  
  
Bob: The great Kel'Thuzad is asking me to do a favor for him? I would be honored! Just tell me what needs to be done! I will do anything you need me to do, whether it's cleaning out the ghoul pens or clearing the remains of the Crypt Fiends' breakfast, or...  
  
KT interrupting him: Good, good. This is a very very simple task. All I need you to do is take this note to the initiate who runs the pool. You know, the one that sometimes has lost souls floating out of it?  
  
Bob: I know that building! Great Kel'Thuzad, I shall deliver your note as though it had come from the Lich King himself!  
  
Arthas (who has glowing eyes at this point) perks up at the mention of the Lich King. Bob hurries off into the distance with KT's note.  
  
Arthas (Lich King): YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT ACOLYTE PROMOTED, LICH. HE IS A TRUE BELIEVER.  
  
KT: Oh, he's going to be "promoted" all right...  
  
A bloodcurdling scream is heard in the distance and a pillar of lost souls rises in the distance.  
  
KT: Ah, the wonders of the Sacrificial Pit. Anyway, we've wasted too much time on that fool. It's time to begin the challenge. Remember, the team which collects three orbs and holds onto them long enough to open the door wins. Enter the cave and wait for my signal.  
  
The two teams climb down the holes. Both end up in large cavern chambers with tunnels leading outwards into the darkness of the caves.  
  
KT: Survivors ready! Go!  
  
Both teams charge into the tunnels. Almost immediately, Arthas' team encounters a fork in the tunnel.  
  
Arthas: Which way?  
  
Vashj: Do I look like I know? I hate caves. I'm claustrophobic.  
  
Thrall butting in before they can begin to fight: Why don't we split up? Arthas, Varimathras, and Tyrande can go left while the rest of us go right.  
  
Tyrande: Why do I have to get stuck with these two?  
  
Thrall: Because I don't trust you to be civil around Vashj.  
  
Tyrande: Fine...  
  
The two groups head off into their respective tunnels. Maiev's team, meanwhile, has been following one tunnel the whole time and has already found an orb.  
  
Maiev: One down, two to go.  
  
Furion: Yes, but I don't like how easy it was to find this one. It should have been much harder. Instead, we've only had one tunnel to follow the whole time.  
  
Illidan: Oh, quit complaining. If the other two are this easy to find we'll have the challenge in the bag.  
  
Grom takes the orb and the team proceeds down the tunnel leading out of the room. This tunnel leads them to another large chamber filled with spiderwebs.  
  
Sylvanas: I don't like this... Watch out for spiders.  
  
Garithos: Why thank you, Mistress of the Obvious. I don't think any of us would have realized to look for spiders in a room filled with spider webs if you hadn't pointed it out for AAAAHHHHH!!  
  
A huge spider drops from the ceiling and lands on Garithos' helmet. Garithos panics and rips his helmet off, screaming "GET IT OFF ME!" The spider, caught off guard by Garithos' reflex action, is dislodged from the helmet and goes flying past Grom, who calmly bats the spider into a wall with his axe, crushing it. The rest of the team is looking at Garithos with barely contained laughter.  
  
Garithos looking at everyone's expressions: What? Why are you all looking at me like that?  
  
Everyone bursts into laughter. Garithos realizes his helmet is off and runs to retrieve it.  
  
Maiev: Well, now we know why he always wears that helmet.  
  
Garithos: Oh shut up! Baldness is natural in human men!  
  
Grom: That doesn't make it any less funny to see the contrast between your mustache and your shiny bald head.  
  
Garithos stands in the center of the group fuming while everyone else laughs at him. A few more spiders creep down from the ceiling, but Furion spots them and begins to talk to them (he is a druid). He manages to persuade them to move the webs covering the exit from the chamber, and after more laughing at Garithos (which the spiders join in on) the team leaves the cavern.  
  
On the other side of the cavern, Arthas' group has managed to find an orb.  
  
Varimathras: Tyrande, why don't you send one of your owl scouts to our teammates to let them know we found an orb?  
  
Suddenly, Kel'Thuzad's booming voice echoes throughout the cavern.  
  
KT Voice: Each team now has one orb! Three orbs are still out there!  
  
Varimathras: That works too...  
  
Meanwhile, Thrall's group is having some problems securing a second orb for their team. A trio of Naga Royal Guards is protecting the orb, and they refuse to give it up.  
  
Thrall: Come on Vashj, can't you make these naga move out of the way? You're supposed to be their queen!  
  
Vashj: They've been bought off by Kel'Thuzad. Money makes the world go round, after all.  
  
Thrall: I was afraid of that...  
  
Naga 1: Look, how about we make a deal. You go get us some glowing green mushrooms, and we'll give this thing to you.  
  
Kael: Why do you want mushrooms?  
  
Naga 2: That's none of your business! No mushrooms, no orb. Got it?  
  
Kael: ...  
  
Thrall: Hold on, I need to talk with my teammates.  
  
Thrall's group goes back out into the passage that led them to the naga room and begins to debate amongst themselves.  
  
Thrall: Think we can take them out?  
  
Vashj: This is three royal guards we're talking about... I don't know, they're pretty well trained.  
  
Kael: Wait, I know. Vashj, do you still know that tornado spell of yours?  
  
Vashj: Yes... Oh, I see what you're saying... Good idea.  
  
The trio re-enters the room.  
  
Kael: Sorry to disappoint you snakes, but we're not interested in running your errands.  
  
Naga 3: Well, then I guess you won't be getting... AAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
While the naga is talking, Vashj casts her Tornado spell and lifts all three royal guards into the air. Thrall runs around the tornado and grabs the orb, and the whole group dashes for the exit. The tornado continues to spin around the room behind them and dissipates after they have already escaped into the tunnels. Without the howling winds of the tornado keeping them in the air, the naga fall and crash into the cave floor.  
  
Naga 1: We... lost the orb...  
  
The naga slump into unconsciousness while Thrall and his group exit the room and continue through the tunnels. KT's magically enhanced voice booms through the tunnel.  
  
KT: Arthas's team now has their second orb! Maiev's team is now behind.  
  
For a few minutes the teams scramble through the caverns looking for more orbs. Thrall's team succeeds in getting lost in the tunnels, and just as they all manage to find each other they hear KT's voice once again.  
  
KT: Maiev's team has found their second orb! Only one orb remains!  
  
Thrall: We have to get this orb! Come on!  
  
Thrall leads his team down the only passage out of the tunnels they had become lost in. Moments later, they emerge into a huge cavern in what is obviously the center of the whole cavern complex. In the middle of the huge cave, the final orb floats above a pedestal. At both ends of the cavern are huge doors set with three holes and painted with the teams' colors. Thrall's team charges at the pedestal, but they notice that Maiev's team has emerged from a side tunnel and is closing fast on the orb.  
  
Kael: You'll never take the orb! It's ours!  
  
Varimathras: Don't count on it, elf!  
  
Yelling at the tops of their lungs, the two teams crash into each other at the base of the pedestal and an all-out brawl begins.  
  
KT (thinking to himself): Good thing we enchanted all of their weapons so they're non-lethal...  
  
Thrall, Arthas, Garithos, and Grom, the heaviest members of their teams, all throw themselves at the orb and collide in mid-air. A four-man wrestling match immediately ensues and the combatants stagger away from the orb, punching and kicking each other and striking with their weapons. Tyrande and Sylvanas engage in a pitched archer battle, sending arrows ricocheting around the cavern. More than a few strike Garithos in the back, but he is too busy brawling to notice that not all of them are ricochets. Varimathras, intending to steal the orb while no one is looking and take it to the door, flies into the air and dives for the orb. Illidan, however, spots Varimthras and tackles him in mid-air. The two begin an aerial duel that takes them all over the cavern.  
  
Kael: Vashj, is your Tornado spell ready again yet?  
  
Vashj: Not yet.  
  
Kael: Then we'll have to get the orb the old-fashioned way. You keep them busy, I'll get the orb.  
  
Vashj begins shooting at Maiev and Furion, the only two members of the other team not engaged in combat. Kael, meanwhile, runs toward the orb, occasionally firing off a flaming sphere. Suddenly, Kael trips and finds his feet encased in vines.  
  
Kael: What?  
  
Furion: Did you think I'd forgotten my magic? Maiev, go!  
  
Maiev suddenly blinks out and reappears very close to the orb pedestal.  
  
Maiev: The orb is ours!  
  
Kael: Not if I can help it...  
  
Maiev jumps for the orb, and passes right through it. She stands up and looks at herself.  
  
Maiev: What?! I've been banished!  
  
Kael: You two aren't the only ones with magic!  
  
An instant later, Illidan, who is now asleep thanks to Varimathras, crashes down on Furion, knocking him over and pinning him to the ground. Vashj grabs the orb, and Thrall and Arthas manage to break free of Garithos and Grom. The entire team rushes towards their door. Maiev's team begins chasing them, but Vashj calls a tornado in front of them and the whole team is swept off its feet. They are forced to watch from the air while Arthas' team places their orbs in the door and exits. Everyone is warped out of the cave and appears in front of KT and Jaina.  
  
KT: Congratulations to Arthas' team. You have won immunity. This means that all of you will be spending at least three more days here. As for Maiev's team, I'll see you all tonight at Tribal Council.  
  
KT hands Arthas the Immunity Idol, which is shaped like a shield with the Survivor: Kalimdor symbol painted on it. The two teams walk back towards their camps, Arthas' with jubilation and Maiev's depressed, and KT turns to the camera.  
  
KT: We'll be right back after this commercial break! 


	6. And now a word from our sponsors

A/N: Sorry about the very long delay. I'm making this chapter so you all know I'm still alive. The first tribal council chapter should be up soon.

Disclaimer: I do not own Warcraft, Survivor, or anything associated with them.

lights come up on Kel'Thuzad in a studio in front of a bank of TV monitors

KT: Welcome back everyone. We're very sorry, but due to major technical difficulties the next episode of Survivor has been delayed. Our professional technicians are working to correct the problem as quickly as possible.

A pair of goblins carrying a huge wrench between them pass behind Kel'Thuzad and out of view.

KT: In the meantime, I have been asked by many of our sponsors to play advertisements during this time. In addition, many of AAN's employees have brought me blooper tapes and outtake tapes from the network's other shows. We'll be showing a little bit of both tonight. Once again, we here at AAN thank you for your patience and apologize greatly for this inconvenience.

A massive explosion is shown on one of the monitors behind Kel'Thuzad and a gnome can be heard shouting at someone. Kel'Thuzad turns around to look for a moment before shaking his head and turning back to the camera.

KT: I think I should go check on that... In the meantime, enjoy the following tapes we have for you.

The lich floats off-screen and the view zooms on one of the monitors.

Outland. A huge demon stands in front of a large building with a picture of a cow hanging over the door

Kil'Jaeden: Hello everyone. You probably all know me as Kil'Jaeden, the leader of the Burning Legion and one of the most feared demonic powers in any world. What I'll bet you _didn't_ know is that I'm also the best steak chef you'll find in any world. After our... um... _forced retreat_ from Azeroth, I've decided to take the Legion in a new direction.

A pair of trembling doom guards peek out of the upper windows of the steak house.

Doom Guard 1: Th... that's right. Come to Ki... Ki... Kil'Jaeden's St... Steak House.

Doom Guard 2: Soon to be op... opening all across the Twis... Twisting Nether.

Both Doom Guards: DON'T KILL US, MASTER!!!

The doom guards quickly duck back inside the building and slam the windows shut.

Kil'Jaeden: I hope to see you all at the grand opening of the steak house near you! flames suddenly spring up in a nimbus around Kil'Jaeden **_OR ELSE_**!!!

A list of steak house opening sights scrolls up the screen including Ironforge, Azeroth, Orgrimmar, Azeroth, and Illidan City, Outland.

after locations finish rolling scene switches to show a dwarf (Muradin Bronzebeard, to be exact) sitting behind a bar

Muradin: Now, I know what ye're all thinkin'. "How did he survive gettin' chopped up by Arthas?" Well, the truth is that Arthas missed mah vital organs by about two inches. I managed to crawl back to those revenants Arthas and I fought on our way to Frostmourne and they helped me back to camp. My loyal troops and I sailed back to Ironforge where I retired from the army and pursued my other lifelong dream: bartending. I'm here today to tell you about my latest concoction. I call it "The Gut Buster". It's strong enough to knock out a tauren after just one swig.

Muradin gets out from behind the bar and walks over to a table where ten dwarves are sitting.

Muradin: Nine out of ten dwarves agree that it's the best ale you'll ever taste in your life, if not the last. Just watch.

The ten dwarves each pick up a glass of Gut Buster from the table and they each take a long drink. Nine of the dwarves put the glasses back down on the table and put two thumbs up, while the tenth simply falls backwards off his stool and slumps to the floor in unconsciousness. The remaining nine dwarves follow suit shortly after.

Muradin: See what I mean? The strongest ale you'll ever taste! Coming soon to a bar near you.

Muradin waves and the view changes back to Kel'Thuzad in front of the bank of TV monitors.

Kel'Thuzad: Good news everyone! Our engineers have almost fixed the problem, and usual programming will be resuming very soon. We will be back after this commercial break.


	7. Paladins Anonymous

Disclaimer: I do not own Survivor, Warcraft, or anything associated with them.

camera comes up on Jaina standing on the bridge of a goblin zeppelin in front of what looks like a huge shield

Jaina: Welcome back everyone. We here at AAN once again would like to apologize for the delay in our show. Fortunately, thanks to the miracle of Gnomish engineering we have put a temporal stasis field in place around the island! This means the contestants are _exactly_ the way you saw them before our long hiatus. Now, let's drop the field and get on with the show!

Jaina presses a button on a nearby control panel, and nothing happens.

Jaina: That's odd… This button should cause the field to fall…

Jaina presses the button again, with no result. A red error message appears on the panel's display screen.

Jaina fuming: Where's that manual override button! I can't believe this is happening!

Jaina presses a large blue button marked "MO" on the far left side of the panel. An explosion is heard in the distance and a thick column of black smoke begins to rise from an island near the base of the shield. The shield itself remains in place.

Jaina staring dumbstruck: I swear… When I get my hands on those gnomes I'm going to… Jaina realizes she's still on camera Oh, yes, well… As long as the shield is still up we can't continue the show. I think that now would be a good time to check up on my co-host, Kel'Thuzad. As many of you are aware, Kel'Thuzad has been in rehab for a serious addiction for quite some time now. He seemed to be doing fine up until a few months ago, when he suffered a major relapse. Something like this.

Jaina reaches into her robes and pulls out a tape, which she gives to a nearby goblin attendant. The goblin takes it off-screen.

scene changes to a small room with a glass viewing window. the room's major features are a huge screen hanging in front of one of the walls and a table. on the table is an object covered by a cloth. Kel'Thuzad stands in front of the table looking at the viewing window

Kel'Thuzad (KT): I've told you a hundred times! I'm better now! I don't need to be in rehab anymore!

A female troll dressed in priestly robes steps into view at the window. She speaks into a microphone and addresses KT.

Hyas: We just got one more ting for ya to do, Kel'Tuzad. Dis be de final test. If ya pass this one, you be cured for _sure_.

As Kel'Thuzad yanks the cloth off the object on the table, Hyas presses a button on a control panel in front of her. The screen rises into the ceiling, revealing that the wall behind it is painted to resemble a carved stone doorway leading into a large, dark room. The floor of the room behind the door is covered by what appear to be spiky eggs.

On the table is a bucket of chicken.

Kel'Thuzad tosses the cloth aside and picks up the bucket of chicken, obviously confused. He then notices the wall painted the way it is. As he glances between the bucket and the wall, his hands begin to shake. Tucking the chicken under his arm, Kel'Thuzad raises his arm in a salute and shouts.

KT: LEEEROOOYYYY JENNNKINNNNS!

Kel'Thuzad charges straight at the painted door, realizing only after he has slammed face first into it that it is, in fact, a wall.

Hyas: sigh Looks like it be back to rehab for him.

scene fades out as KT collapses to the floor unconscious and returns to Jaina on the blimp

Jaina: Yes, Kel'Thuzad was, up until recently, a seemingly-incurable addict. For a while he even refused to answer to his real name and insisted that he was Borovor the Mighty, Paladin of Justice. I still don't understand why the Lich King's right hand lich would play as a paladin, but I guess undeath does funny things to people's heads. He'll be back once Hyas, the acclaimed troll priestess turned psychiatrist who specializes in extreme cases like Kel'Thuzad's, pronounces him fit to return to work. If her last report is any indication Kel'Thuzad is making excellent progress and they're almost ready to try him in the "Whelp Room Test" again. And, honestly, they can take as long as they need, since we need to wait for an engineering division from the Gnomish Engineering Society to fix the shield…

Jaina looks over the side of the zeppelin at the huge cloud of smoke boiling up from the nearby island.

Jaina: Once again we thank you for your patience in dealing with our technical difficulties. Tune in again soon!

scene fades out and is replaced by the image of a gigantic fiery figure inside a huge lava-filled cave

Ragnaros: Good evening, mortals. I am Ragnaros the Firelord, and I am here to help you. Do you have people problems? Are you tired of being made fun of by friend and foe alike? Take these poor creatures for example.

Standing on the rock ringing Ragnaros's fire pool are a gnome, a tauren, and a male night elf.

Ragnaros: Each of these three puny ones has their own set of problems. The gnome is constantly being used as a ball and gets called short at least twenty times a day. The tauren is subject to a ceaseless stream of bovine jokes. And this night elf is constantly called gay. Now I know that the gnome _is_ short and the tauren _is_ a cow and the night elf _is_ gay, but wouldn't you be tired of it after a while? If so, come on down to the Molten Core! We can rebuild you, we have the technology. We can make you stronger, faster, better than you were before!

While Ragnaros speaks the three "unfortunates" walk off-screen for a few moments and return resplendent in new suits of armor. The tauren is decked out in shining plate mail, the gnome is wearing a splendid wizard robe, and the night elf is wearing shadowy leather armor.

Ragnaros: Now who would dare to make fun of these three? Remember, Molten Core for all of your adventuring needs! We are located at the bottom of Blackrock Depths, Blackrock Mountain, Azeroth.

Ragnaros and his three "unfortunates" cheer. A fire elemental pokes his head onto the screen and begins speaking very rapidly.

Fire elemental: PricesinMoltenCorebeginat666goldNoitemswillbesoldtogroupsoflessthan40peopleItemsfoundmayappeardifferentlythanseeninthisadvertisement

scene fades to black

Author's note: I just want to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing against gay people. But have you ever seen a night elf man dance? Creepy… Also, Borovor is a name I made up off the top of my head. Hyas, though, is the nickname of my friend's character.


End file.
